brushpass | threads

"Hey, I know that now okay. You've said it enough," he tells her with a frown as he closes his eyes, just enjoying the hands in his hair and the feeling of the reminder that he's somehow, ended up here, in a room with the love of his life again.

That it was all going to be okay eventually, even if it took a fucking mountain of work to get back there. She'd be by his side, and she was going to be there.

"I don't feel expectations, just don't leave me okay?" he says quietly, it's a lot, all of it, and all he knows is that he doesn't want to feel that distance any time soon.

"You're stuck with me," Natasha answers easily. And though she almost tacks on for better or worse, she bites her tongue. She'd found a road for him. He could walk it at his own pace. "I blew all my covers when I dumped SHIELD's intel with HYDRA's. Not to mention my service record for both SHIELD and the KGB. I've been lying low to give everything a chance to blow over. It'll be nice to have you around."

Her fingertips trace a light, idle line along his arm. "I'm thinking of Montpellier in France, by the way. Beachy tourist town. It'll be easy to get lost there."

He hums softly thinking about that, "Sure just come up with the excuses of that you have no where else to be," he says softly, implying that he knows she'd choose to be here even if there were other things at this moment.

"That sounds beautiful, do you like the oceanfront? Have you gotten to go on many vacations since you've been out? Don't tell me about the men who took you because I will be jealous," he adds honestly at the end because, it's true, he realizes those feelings he'd been having were jealousy.

She smiles to herself when she hears that quiet, thoughtful hum. "That wasn't an excuse, that was me making sure you wouldn't feel guilty for keeping me away from something else," Natasha answers. She's absolutely not surprised that they're both trying to create a comfort zone.

"I take myself on vacation when I want to go," she informs him with a grin. "And you don't have to be jealous. No one that's come with me has been you." She hasn't been waiting for him, but it's true that no one else has been able to compare. "And I do like the ocean."

He reaches up and tucks a hand under his head, smiling up at her softly as he thinks about the things she says. Some things didn't have to be said, but he was grateful for those she did.

"That's sweet, I wanna hear about all the things you've done, the things you like to do, your favorite places, but I'm not ready to hear about the men you've shared them with..." he says again, just clarifying it. "I'm sure one day when we're in a better spot and I have all the right memories back I will be, and I'll be happy that you weren't alone, but here today all I feel is anger that I couldn't be there."

It's raw and honest, and he hopes that's enough for her to understand that bit.

Natasha watches his face as he talks, her hand shifting to run her fingers through his hair again as she turns his words over in her mind. She understands. Moreover, she knows that it can't be easy to admit that. Not with everything he's still trying to sort his way through in his mind.

"I'll tell you everything you want to hear," she promises. "But you know, the only reason I managed to escape was because you let them catch you so I could get away?" A sad little smile curls her lips. "Even though I told you not to."

He closes his eyes when he hears that, listening, a voice he'd heard a lot of times repeating in his head yet again. He reaches up to grab her hand and squeeze it before letting go of it again.

"That's why I keep hearing you scream 'James no!' in my head like I was dying. I don't have any images on it, just the sound..." he explains quietly, opening his eyes back up when he moves past the memory. "I probably knew if they caught us we'd be separated forever anyways, I'd be tanked always. It didn't make sense not to get you out if I could get you out."

"Was it good? Has it been a good life?"

Natasha squeezes his hand back, then lets her hand come to rest on his chest when he lets go. "I was so mad that you did that," she informs him, the same little sad smile still on her lips. "I tried to find where they put you. After I killed Dreykov, I figured it might cause enough chaos for you to get free. But they must have shipped you off to HYDRA right after it all happened. I'm sorry I didn't find you in time." It's been weighing on her for so many years that she hadn't been able to find him.

It takes a moment for her to settle on her answer to his question. She doesn't want to lie to him. "Parts of it have been really good. Parts have been bad. Some have just been okay. But it's all been mine. And I never thought I'd get that."

It's then that he moves to set up so he can turn and face her. He reaches out and takes his hands and presses them to her cheeks, holding her face and he presses a kiss to her forehead. "Natalia, you did amazing. You found me now, you are here for me now. It's all I never needed from you okay?" and it's true. He wants to make sure she doesn't have guilt from it.

But they both do, they both probably will for a long time.

"Those memories you told me, that were our first night together, the memories I have all the hints from, I remember you saying we couldn't have real lives in the room. But we have it now. I have to ask though, do you think, was our time together real lives? Or was it just that it was the two of us, that we were just together because of the situation?" He asks all this eyes closed, forehead resting against hers, hands on her cheeks.

Natasha watches as he shifts his position. Her hands run up his forearms and she turns her head to kiss his palm before settling, her forehead leaning against his. There's nothing he can say that will absolve her of the guilt she feels for not finding him sooner. It's hers to carry, the same way she she carries the red in her ledger.

She considers his question for a moment, trying to study his expression from such a close angle. One hand lifts from his arm and comes around so she can curl her fingers gently in his hair at the back. "Our time in the Red Room was the only thing I had that was mine. It kept me going. So it was real for me. What do you think?"

"I think the absolute anger when I read about your friend, and the jealousy, it means I must have loved you more then I even knew possible, I've never been jealous of another man in my whole life, 'Tasha."

He says it honestly and lets a hand slip down from her cheek to wrap around her waist and he leans in to kiss her, because if all this touch, and voice, and feelings were helping with his memories he feels like this is just the right thing to do. To give her a proper kiss after too long of being apart, to feel what it's really like.

It's like heaven. That's the only way he has to describe it.

She can hear the sincerity in his voice, and she can't help but smile a little as she tips her head to return the kiss. Her lips part against his, her fingers trailing down from his hair so she can curl her arm around his shoulder. There's something about it that's somehow both nostalgic and new.

It lingers for a few long moments before she parts her lips from his and lets her forehead lean against his again. "What do you have to be jealous of, hmm?" she murmurs. "Someone that always finds his way back to me no matter what the world throws at him?" No one else ever stood a chance.

"Shhh..." he murmurs against her lips forehead to forehead still, they're crouched on the floor, and it's a little awkward and he doesn't even care. "This is part of that brain cobwebs thing, Natalia, trying to clear it all out and understand..."

He goes back in for another kiss, because she's letting him and it's nice to just, feel things and not have to find words for a bit. He takes it a little deeper, but it's just a kiss, nothing else.

When it breaks he pulls back a little to look at her and asks a question. "Did you really blow me in the Kremlin?"

"Well I'd hate to stand in the way of progress," Natasha quips back at him, all banked humor as she meets him for another kiss. Her hands run over his shoulder and down his back.

Even so, when he pulls back with an unexpected question, she meets him with a look that's undeniably mischievous. "We almost got caught when you came."

"I cannot believe.." he laughs, it's really a lot. Imagining that as he shakes his head up and strokes through her hair fondly grinning stupidly at her. "God, now you're just teasing me about how good you must be at that too..."

He drops his hand and shakes his head before moving to get up. "I gotta stop touching you like that for a bit, you're gonna make my brain do bad things Natasha. I made some soup yesterday would you like some?"

Her mouth curls in a smirk and one shoulder lifts in a shrug as if to say 'I can neither confirm nor deny.' Her hand runs over the back of his forearm as his fingers run through her hair.

"Your brain will go there all on its on, James," she promises with a quiet chuckle as she stands up as well. "Depends. Did you put plums in the soup?"

They spend the evening together, just talking, quietly and sleep wrapped up together, clothed in a bed for the first time in god knows how long. The next morning when they wake it's the first time that Bucky remembers that he hasn't awoken screaming with nightmares in the middle of the night and he tells Natalia that because she deserves to know.

They spend the next days traveling eventually ending up in the next safe house in a beach town she'd set up. It was small, but the town was beautiful. Though they got in late at night he doesn't have the luck not waking from nightmares, but Nat is there, and they get a little easier.

Come morning he's got her tucked against his chest and he's just watching her sleep against him when she finally stirs.

"Good morning, beautiful," He speaks in English for the first time since they've been together.

Natasha's glad to hear that he had a night free from nightmares. She's equally glad that he doesn't try to hide it the next night. It's going to be a long road and she's ready to navigate the bumps with him.

Montpellier feels worlds away from the ghosts in Eastern Europe. The safe house her contact found is a cozy little apartment in an older building, perfectly situation for budget conscious travelers. There's an envelope on the kitchen table with identification and money, and two suitcases with clothes and necessities for them both.

Her cheek rubs against his chest as she stirs awake and she yawns, finally leaning back enough so she can stretch as she makes note of the fact that he spoke in English. And that she evidently slept through him waking up that morning. It's a rare occurrence - she's usually up as soon as she hears other people moving around. "Hey. Were you watching me sleep?"

He smiles down at her, it's soft and warm and he strokes his metal fingers along her shoulders as she looks up at him. He was surprised first, when she had settled on that side of the bed, he would have thought the arm would be a bother, but it never was with her.

"Yeah, you looked really pretty so I thought I'd just watch 'til you got up," he admit leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head where he can reach. "Beach sunset last night had nothin' on you."

His English accent is thick, and a little northeastern and lazy in the morning as he smiles at her.

"How'd you sleep?"

The metal arm is part of him, which means that it could never be a bother to her. She knows that his relationship with that arm is complicated, like many other things in his memory. She figures the best she can do is just be there.

"That really toes the creepy/sweet line, you know," she informs him with a smile, pushing herself a bit further up on the bed so she can return the kiss to the top of her head with one to his jaw. His accent sounds a little different this morning and she wonders what that means about what unlocked in his mind over the course of the night.

"I always sleep good when I'm with you. Want coffee?"

"Coffee is always good," he says ruffling her hair a little bit with his hand. "Are you gonna make me some or should I get up and make it?" the last couple days she's been making him coffee in the morning but he doesn't want her to think that he's incapable and unable to do things for himself.

He gives her side a squeeze fondly and presses his lips together in though. "Was it actually creepy? Should I have woken you?" he asks, he's pretty used to Natasha's teasing at this point but he figured it was worth double checking. He doesn't want to actually be creepy or risk running her off. He just thought it was nice and peaceful and he liked having her close.

"You can make it this morning if you want," Natasha answers. She doesn't mind making the coffee, but she won't turn down having a few more minutes to putter around before she gets going. The bedroom window is letting in a good amount of early morning sun, a pale gold light filtering through the curtains.

Her head tips so she can look up at him and she smiles as she reaches up to trace her index finger along the line of his jaw. "I was just teasing you. I usually wake up when someone else is up. I'm impressed you didn't wake me." Patting her hand against his shoulder, she shifts into a seated position and looks back over her shoulder at him. "One of those suitcases out in the living room has clothes for you. We should go for a walk today and see what's nearby."

He leans in to give her a kiss on the lips before moving to get up out of the bed and start the coffee. He wanders back in once the pot is on and leans against the doorframe smiling at her setting up in bed. God she's too beautiful for words.

"Glad you got me clothes though, I'm starting to think I'm living in these sweat pants since I didn't really plan on having anything to sleep in," he explains. He'd just slept in underwear or naked before she showed up, but that didn't feel right anymore not when they were sharing a bed and still figuring things out.

"Walk sounds nice, it's France, we should find a bakery with some fresh bread," he adds. "Maybe some preserves or something to put on it, might be a nice breakfast."

Natasha skims through her phone and answers some texts while he's in the other room. Mostly from Steve. Who is doing an impressive job of managing his desire to follow them around and help out. When he comes back in, she tips her head to look over at him with a smile.

"We might have to burn those sweatpants. You should take a look through everything before we head out to make sure everything you need is there." A brow arches. "I did get you a new leather jacket."

Setting her phone down on the bed, she slides off so she can cross the room. One of her hands rests on his chest and she looks at him seriously, even though there's a hint of a smile at the corner of her mouth. "That's the best idea you've ever had."

Bucky warps an arm around her waist when she gets close to him and pull her in for a soft kiss, apparently not worried about morning breath because he's just that stupidly gone on her anyways. They fall into all the old habits easy with everything except for sex. All they'd done is some kissing at this point, but still it felt like forever and his thoughts that were coming back were only moments away.

"You wanna burn my sweatpants because you're trying to get me naked, aren't you?" he teases against her lips before his hand slides down lower and gives her ass a squeeze before backing up so he can head to the kitchen to take care of the coffee that should be almost finished brewing.

"Yes, I'll go through them before we head out, promise," he says teasingly, like they he would do anything else. He's appreciative of her, and all she's done for him.

"Did Steve check back in with you?" he asks as he pours the coffee.

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