brushpass | threads

She can say that all she wants, he thinks, because even though she's done horrible things she probably hasn't done them to the people she loved like he has had to. Or if he she has he doesn't have any idea because they're hidden in some deeper files then he has found. Actually, that's probably it, he figures as he tries to stop thinking of such harsh things in his head.

Then she tell shim he is worth it all and it relaxes a bit. "I'm so grateful for you, my dearest Natalia..." he says quietly before she's dialing up Steve so he shuts up.

"You should be, I'm a delight," Natasha quips with a smirk, shifting her weight to one side as she hits the button to dial and brings the phone up to her ear. She'll shift her position a few more times while she's talking. Unless he gives up the push ups, in which case she'll climb off.

"Hey, Steve. Are you somewhere secure? Yeah. I have something to tell you. Just listen. I found Bucky. He's not ready to talk to you yet, but he's safe. Do you remember when you said you would trust me now to save your life? I'd do the same for him." She pauses for an extended moment to listen as he responds, and then says, "I know you do. But you have to be patient. Keep moving like you didn't get this call. I'll make sure he stays safe until we're ready to meet up with you." Another pause. "He is." Another. There's a slight smile evident in her voice when she answers again, "I will. We have more to talk about. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

He continues his pushups for the entire length of the call. It's distracting enough, he would have bet money on that he could have guessed what Steve was saying on the other side before the call started but he only had the slightest of guesses at some parts now, whatever she was amused at, yeah that was clueless. He almost feels bad about it til he remembers just how much stuff he is starting to remember.

He lowers down to the ground to let her climb off after the call. "So what's a fella gotta do to get a recap on that one, babe?"

Natasha sets her feet on the floor and stands up. She pulls her jacket off and drapes it over the back of the chair she'd been sitting in earlier. With a thoughtful look on her face, she folds her arms and looks over at him. After a moment, the corner of her mouth comes up in a little smile. "Nothing. I'm just getting my thoughts in order."

Her thumb taps the side of her phone. "He still feels guilty that he couldn't save you, during the war. I think that's been eating at him for a long time. He wanted to come and talk to you, but he'll be patient. He's starting to put it together that we know each other. My guess is he'll start texting me soon." Her mouth curls in a little smile. "He told me to tell you that you have to stop hogging all the stupid sooner or later."

He moves to sit up crossing his legs but staying on the floor as he watches her move around the small apartment with a nod. It all makes sense what she was saying but the last line makes him huff out an audible laugh.

"I do remember he used to say that a lot," he says quietly going over what he'd just heard in the other stuff in his mind. "So wait, did you tell him that he should trust you to save my life, is that what I heard?" He asks pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them so he can lean his head on his knees and look over at her.

He doesn't even realize it but he's already searching for more grounding contact, subconsciously at least, as he hugs his knees.

"Yes," Natasha answers, evidently unembarrassed by the revelation. Before she continues, she watches as he wraps his arms around his legs. At least she knows what signs to look for, now that he's opened her eyes to them. They're going to have to figure out some additional grounding skills, but it's not something that she feels like she needs to present yet. She has to imagine there's a certain newness to being allowed touch again.

So she sets her phone down on the table and moves into the room, kneeling behind him as she leans against his back. Her arms drape easily over his shoulders and fold in, hugging him from behind. "We worked together before we brought SHIELD down, but I don't think he trusted me. Not entirely. I don't blame him. He got pulled out of the ice and thrown into one conflict after another. And I'm an ex Soviet spy with a lengthy service record and a heavily redacted file. I asked him if he'd trust me to save his life while we were on the run and he said he would. I wanted to remind of him of that so he'd know I take this seriously."

He leans back into her but it's almost hesitant. Like he knows exactly what she's doing and he feels bad about it. He lets her hold him but his hand goes from holding his own forearm to hers. "You don't have to come running every time I have a problem," he says softly, but it's clearly he's fighting himself on that. His body is relaxing at the touches already even if his brain feels bad.

He listens though and huffs out a laugh at the end. "Steve went into the ice when the Soviets were on the same said, you'd think he'd have been less likely to be bothered by that then the other." There a pause before he adds. "Did he ask why you were with me?"

"I'm not going to," Natasha answers with a smile, turning her head towards his so she can speak quietly. "You're going to learn more grounding skills. I'll even help you if you want. There's nothing wrong with letting yourself want someone else to touch you. Especially when it's been this long."

Her arms give him a quick squeeze to punctuate the thought. And then she can't help but chuckle at his counterpoint. "Yeah, but he's been racing to catch up on everything he's missed. Entertainment and world history. Russia doesn't exactly come off looking good in either." And for a good reason. "I ended the call before he could. He'll put two and two together that there's more going on. I promised I'd call him tomorrow and I'll explain a little more then."

He turns in her arms and gives her a gentle nudge. "Sit back, wanna put my head in your lap," he tells her as he thinks about all of it before he moves to settle and do just that laying out on the floor and using her lap like a pillow looking up at her with soft eyes. "You're right, I don't think anyone's touched me in a long time, it would feel good no matter who it was, not just you."

He listens about Steve. "Are you gonna catch me up on all those things?" he asks quietly until she gets to the last point and then a horrible grin comes on his lips. "You know, don't worry about it, you can just tell him I'm the love of your life when he calls.." it's a teasing joke, finding a little bit more of that personality hidden behind the rust they're slowly chipping away. He knows she wont do that, hell it's probably still not even true, but it makes a good joke.

Natasha obligingly shifts her position so she can sit on the floor with her leg folded. When his head comes to rest on her lap, she starts to idly run her fingers through his hair. Looking down at him, her mouth quirks in a little smile. "You're glad it's me though."

Her fingers continue to move through his hair, her fingertips brushing against his scalp with each pass. "I can if you want me to. It's fine if you want to wait. There's a lot." A lot. Almost more than can be believed. And, she suspects - there's probably piece of it he was the unwitting catalyst for. They'll get there in time. She can't help but chuckle a little at his suggestion. "Doesn't seem fair to tell Steve that before I tell you again."

He relaxes into the touches some of the stress melting away again already sighing as he looks up at her. "I'm glad it's you, I'd probably try to punch anyone else, you and I both know that," it's true, he's just being honest about how on guard he is at the moment, and he fells bad about it, even if he shouldn't.

"Until you tell me again?... Again?" he asks softly his eyes going wide as he looked up at her. He knows they'd been kind of kidding about it all, about being whatever they were that they had fallen for each other but like, the love of his life? Well fuck, that was heavy, but also kind of a weight on his chest.

Prior to her saying that he'd really thought he'd be okay with the joke, with Natasha telling Steve they had feelings for each other, whatever, but that's out the window with the last comment. "We were that close huh? That... explains a lot."

"We were," Natasha answers with a smile, punctuating the statement by shifting her hand to run it along his arm. There's a lot of history between them. And it means a lot to her. She knows that somewhere underneath the layers of programming and mind wipes that it means a lot to him too.

"As a reminder with that new piece of information," she continues after a moment, "I don't have any expectations of you. There's no pressure. I'm here to help you."

"Hey, I know that now okay. You've said it enough," he tells her with a frown as he closes his eyes, just enjoying the hands in his hair and the feeling of the reminder that he's somehow, ended up here, in a room with the love of his life again.

That it was all going to be okay eventually, even if it took a fucking mountain of work to get back there. She'd be by his side, and she was going to be there.

"I don't feel expectations, just don't leave me okay?" he says quietly, it's a lot, all of it, and all he knows is that he doesn't want to feel that distance any time soon.

"You're stuck with me," Natasha answers easily. And though she almost tacks on for better or worse, she bites her tongue. She'd found a road for him. He could walk it at his own pace. "I blew all my covers when I dumped SHIELD's intel with HYDRA's. Not to mention my service record for both SHIELD and the KGB. I've been lying low to give everything a chance to blow over. It'll be nice to have you around."

Her fingertips trace a light, idle line along his arm. "I'm thinking of Montpellier in France, by the way. Beachy tourist town. It'll be easy to get lost there."

He hums softly thinking about that, "Sure just come up with the excuses of that you have no where else to be," he says softly, implying that he knows she'd choose to be here even if there were other things at this moment.

"That sounds beautiful, do you like the oceanfront? Have you gotten to go on many vacations since you've been out? Don't tell me about the men who took you because I will be jealous," he adds honestly at the end because, it's true, he realizes those feelings he'd been having were jealousy.

She smiles to herself when she hears that quiet, thoughtful hum. "That wasn't an excuse, that was me making sure you wouldn't feel guilty for keeping me away from something else," Natasha answers. She's absolutely not surprised that they're both trying to create a comfort zone.

"I take myself on vacation when I want to go," she informs him with a grin. "And you don't have to be jealous. No one that's come with me has been you." She hasn't been waiting for him, but it's true that no one else has been able to compare. "And I do like the ocean."

He reaches up and tucks a hand under his head, smiling up at her softly as he thinks about the things she says. Some things didn't have to be said, but he was grateful for those she did.

"That's sweet, I wanna hear about all the things you've done, the things you like to do, your favorite places, but I'm not ready to hear about the men you've shared them with..." he says again, just clarifying it. "I'm sure one day when we're in a better spot and I have all the right memories back I will be, and I'll be happy that you weren't alone, but here today all I feel is anger that I couldn't be there."

It's raw and honest, and he hopes that's enough for her to understand that bit.

Natasha watches his face as he talks, her hand shifting to run her fingers through his hair again as she turns his words over in her mind. She understands. Moreover, she knows that it can't be easy to admit that. Not with everything he's still trying to sort his way through in his mind.

"I'll tell you everything you want to hear," she promises. "But you know, the only reason I managed to escape was because you let them catch you so I could get away?" A sad little smile curls her lips. "Even though I told you not to."

He closes his eyes when he hears that, listening, a voice he'd heard a lot of times repeating in his head yet again. He reaches up to grab her hand and squeeze it before letting go of it again.

"That's why I keep hearing you scream 'James no!' in my head like I was dying. I don't have any images on it, just the sound..." he explains quietly, opening his eyes back up when he moves past the memory. "I probably knew if they caught us we'd be separated forever anyways, I'd be tanked always. It didn't make sense not to get you out if I could get you out."

"Was it good? Has it been a good life?"

Natasha squeezes his hand back, then lets her hand come to rest on his chest when he lets go. "I was so mad that you did that," she informs him, the same little sad smile still on her lips. "I tried to find where they put you. After I killed Dreykov, I figured it might cause enough chaos for you to get free. But they must have shipped you off to HYDRA right after it all happened. I'm sorry I didn't find you in time." It's been weighing on her for so many years that she hadn't been able to find him.

It takes a moment for her to settle on her answer to his question. She doesn't want to lie to him. "Parts of it have been really good. Parts have been bad. Some have just been okay. But it's all been mine. And I never thought I'd get that."

It's then that he moves to set up so he can turn and face her. He reaches out and takes his hands and presses them to her cheeks, holding her face and he presses a kiss to her forehead. "Natalia, you did amazing. You found me now, you are here for me now. It's all I never needed from you okay?" and it's true. He wants to make sure she doesn't have guilt from it.

But they both do, they both probably will for a long time.

"Those memories you told me, that were our first night together, the memories I have all the hints from, I remember you saying we couldn't have real lives in the room. But we have it now. I have to ask though, do you think, was our time together real lives? Or was it just that it was the two of us, that we were just together because of the situation?" He asks all this eyes closed, forehead resting against hers, hands on her cheeks.

Natasha watches as he shifts his position. Her hands run up his forearms and she turns her head to kiss his palm before settling, her forehead leaning against his. There's nothing he can say that will absolve her of the guilt she feels for not finding him sooner. It's hers to carry, the same way she she carries the red in her ledger.

She considers his question for a moment, trying to study his expression from such a close angle. One hand lifts from his arm and comes around so she can curl her fingers gently in his hair at the back. "Our time in the Red Room was the only thing I had that was mine. It kept me going. So it was real for me. What do you think?"

"I think the absolute anger when I read about your friend, and the jealousy, it means I must have loved you more then I even knew possible, I've never been jealous of another man in my whole life, 'Tasha."

He says it honestly and lets a hand slip down from her cheek to wrap around her waist and he leans in to kiss her, because if all this touch, and voice, and feelings were helping with his memories he feels like this is just the right thing to do. To give her a proper kiss after too long of being apart, to feel what it's really like.

It's like heaven. That's the only way he has to describe it.

She can hear the sincerity in his voice, and she can't help but smile a little as she tips her head to return the kiss. Her lips part against his, her fingers trailing down from his hair so she can curl her arm around his shoulder. There's something about it that's somehow both nostalgic and new.

It lingers for a few long moments before she parts her lips from his and lets her forehead lean against his again. "What do you have to be jealous of, hmm?" she murmurs. "Someone that always finds his way back to me no matter what the world throws at him?" No one else ever stood a chance.

"Shhh..." he murmurs against her lips forehead to forehead still, they're crouched on the floor, and it's a little awkward and he doesn't even care. "This is part of that brain cobwebs thing, Natalia, trying to clear it all out and understand..."

He goes back in for another kiss, because she's letting him and it's nice to just, feel things and not have to find words for a bit. He takes it a little deeper, but it's just a kiss, nothing else.

When it breaks he pulls back a little to look at her and asks a question. "Did you really blow me in the Kremlin?"

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