brushpass | threads

Natasha wishes she was evolved enough to say that it's not about them being terrified of her. That it's about her having her own agency, about going west and joining up with SHIELD and then the Avengers. But considering the way she and Clint handled Dreykov, well.

There's a little smirk on her lips and she lifts one shoulder in a shrug. It's a little bit about them being terrified of her. She always figured they'd successfully crippled the operation when they blew up Dreykov's office because they never sent him after her. It's clear from the look on her face that she's chasing a thought down a rabbit hole, but she refocuses on his face when he speaks again. "You can ask me anything you want."

He can't help but smile more at the smirk she has, it's gorgeous. It shows her confidence and it makes him relax a little more in her arms. His hands squeezed around her waist fondly. He might have had horrible luck, in terms of everything that had happened to him at all. But here was this woman who was ready to stand by him when she didn't have to, and support him and he was pretty sure there was at least some luck.

"I'm lucky you wanna put up with me still, really lucky," he says eyes all soft and big at her for a moment before his face settles into something more serious for the actual question he wants to ask.

"What was it like for you, in DC when you found out it was an asset with a metal arm running around? Or I guess, if you saw me first? I really don't know how you found out."

She's not surprised that he asks about what it was like to find out he was in DC. It's one of the first questions she expected him to ask. Still, it makes her sad to think he was worrying about that.

Lifting her hand, she runs her fingers back through his hair again. "I figured it was you when you went after Fury. I told Steve about Odessa so he'd know what to look for. Didn't bring up the rest of it because there was enough going on without adding that on to it. Finding out you knew him before the war was a bigger surprise." There's a pause, and she studies his face for a moment before she continues. "I thought for sure the Red Room would send you after me. I was wondering if you were going to finish me off in Odessa. When you didn't, I figured another agency picked you up after I killed Dreykov. Seems like it was HYDRA."

It's a lot, everything she says and he can't help but feel a little guilty about it all. He brings his hands up to stroke through her hair slowly hand settling on the back of his neck and stroking his thumb against it as he listens.

"They erased me after Odessa. I had a breakdown when I remembered you, freaked out. Tried to kill my handlers, well, let's be honest killed a couple of them," he says quietly. "I'm glad you were okay."

He doesn't even want to imagine what it might have been like if he'd actually been sent to kill her. It would have been too much, he might have put a bullet in his brain when he remembered it.

Natasha leans in to let her forehead rest against his as his thumb strokes the back of her neck. "I'm sorry you had to go through that alone. I'm okay." Her mouth curls in a smirk as she runs her hand over his shoulder. "Can't wear bikinis anymore, though." Somehow, she thinks he'll appreciate the joke more than Steve did.

She exhales as her hand runs up along the side of his neck and back down his shoulder again. Part of her thought it might be too much too soon but - with the memories already coming back, maybe it'll help. "I only got out of the Red Room because you helped me, you know. I told you I wouldn't leave without you. But our plan went wrong and you stayed behind so I could escape."

So far everything she'd been saying was turning over rocks in his head. Each one leading to a chain reaction but this one brought back no memories. It was like it was locked away much further in a place he couldn't get it. He doesn't try to force it.

"Natalia, Darling, I am so glad that you got out and were safe," he says honestly leaning in close to her. The contact is good, grounding as his hands squeeze around her waist and run over her back and just hold her close, protectively as he can get in the moment. "Who knows if I'd even be here or okay without you out there helping me. Might have gotten killed in DC."

It's true, they could play a million what ifs in their world.

"I promise to kiss that spot I made a mess of a million times over when we get to that point in our relationship again, I bet it still looks hot in bikinis," He's deflected back to the more playful talk, in part because he can't remember the others.

"Do I get a looksie or?"

"I'll help you anywhere you go," Natasha answers easily, like she's just offering to pick up coffee. The promise is that easy to her when it comes to him. She's always kept her inner circle small, but he's had a place in it before she even could call it a circle. Even on the run with HYDRA shattered all around the globe, she won't hesitate to watch his back.

Honestly, it's what she's banking on to get her out of hot water with Steve.

She chuckles at his request, leaning back a little to give him an amused look. "You're going to get some serious mixed signals if I start pulling my pants down to show you that one. You can look at the one on my shoulder if you want."

"You say that like I haven't already been inside you more times then we can count, or that your favorite chair isn't my face..." he teases, just letting her know a little more of the kind of things that were dancing in his head.

He's not actually trying to make a move, it's more of a joke just to have a distraction from some of the heavy. It'd be so much heavy, that just, they could use some laughs.

"Really though, whenever I do see them, I promise to kiss them better the best I can," he says looking up at her with a smile. He leans in to press a kiss to her shoulder through her shit for good measure.

Natasha feigns a scandalized look which almost covers that she's on the cusp of laughing. She ruffles his hair. "Someone's rediscovered his filthy mind." The comment is delivered teasingly as she moves her hand down to gently hold his chin. "That is my favorite seat, though."

She brushes her thumb against his cheekbone, the chuckle finally escaping as he kisses her shoulder. Leaning back in, she wraps her arms around him and just holds him close there for a moment. "I'll hold you to that. Is there anything you need? I can do a supply run before we get settled in here for the night."

He shakes his head against her shoulder, leaning into the hold. It's comical really, the way the two of them are absolutely just clinging to each other. "No, if we're gonna leave tomorrow it will be easier to have less anyways," he adds quietly as he strokes the small of her back.

"Well, at least my mind isn't messing with me when it comes to that," he teases back to her. "I have to admit, For as few memories as I have over the years, there is a lot of oral sex memories, I'm almost shocked we were able to get time alone that much?" He says softly with consideration. "Not complaining that we did though."

Hey, he wanted to be touched. And it's been so long. She can't help but oblige. Piling two people on a chair isn't exactly comfortable, though. Still, her mouth quirks into a smirk at his teasing comment. "Even the Red Room had blind spots. They weren't looking for us to sneak around because we were both exemplary at our jobs. So we had our time on missions and sometimes we were able to see each other in the Red Room."

Her thumb brushes across his cheek again, a faintly nostalgic smile on her face as she slips off of his lap and crosses the room to lean against the kitchen counter. "Any preferences for your next destination? We can stay in Romania but it might be a good idea to cross the border to Hungary or Bulgaria."

That tracks, the looks, the kisses in blind spots, that he had been imagining and seeing were just another spot for him. It's not like Natasha is giving him all the pieces but just helped arrange them by color and flipped them over. He was still mostly putting them together himself.

"Sweetheart, you pick. Wherever I'm not going to have to deal with Steve any time soon," he says because that's honestly something he's not ready for. "I need us, figured out before I can talk to him," he says honestly. It's why he'd kept running it was all too much to understand all his feelings of Steve and Natasha working together? How was a man even supposed to process this.

It's a tightrope walk. She wants him to be able to trust his memories as he recovers them, and she knows that's going to be a challenge no matter what. Providing balancing, making sure he has a net underneath him - those are things she can do. All she can do is hope for the best.

"Are you most comfortable staying in Eastern Europe, or do you mind going further out?" She doesn't have a particular destination in mind. Just that she likes to think a few steps ahead, and part of her thinks he might be easier to recognize here so close to Russia. There's a lot to be said for plausible deniability. She takes her own phone out, from a different pocket than the burner she brought for him, but doesn't start typing yet. Instead she looks at him in silent thought for a moment. "Are you okay with me giving Steve an update? I can buy you more time before talking to him if he knows you're safe. That's all he wants."

He pulls back from her so he can look at her directly, making sure she see's the seriousness in his eyes. Because this is something that needs to be said, and she needs to understand it.

"Natalia, I trust you with my life. You are the most capable person I know," -- Okay so he doesn't know that many people, but in general, it would be true even if he knew the whole world. "-- If you think there is somewhere we should go that's where I want us to go. You make the calls, you have more information then me okay."

And then there's the Steve question. It lays heavy on his heart. How can he say anything but yes to it. He's not ready to see Steve, but Steve wont stop chasing him otherwise.

"... yes, if you think it will help." He has to defer to her on this one too.

Natasha can't help but smile a little at the way he phrases it. She knows he's serious and that this is important to him. But she's coming from a different angle. "I know you trust me. But I'm thinking about your comfort. That matters to me. If you're more comfortable in Eastern Europe, I'll find a safe house for us nearby. If you don't mind traveling further out, I'll get a little more creative." She's not going to gamble with his safety. But the way he feels matters to her. If the situation were more pressing she'd be apologizing for having to pull him outside of what he's ready for.

She moves back across the room and leans down to press a kiss on his temple. Solely because she can see how much it's weighing on him. "I know it will."

When she comes back to give his temple he puts a hand on her hip for a pat before standing up in front of her to move out of the way. "Let's try this a different way, you tell me where you think a good place to go would be, and I'll tell you if it makes me uncomfortable. But I don't think it would?" he says starting to stretch out and pace in the small room.

The idea of contacting Steve is clearly causing nerves to him because he decides to get down and start doing pushups like it's going to distract his brain.

"Just tell me what Steve says back okay?"

"Coastal France?" she suggests. "Somewhere small but still touristy. I don't think either of us went on missions there. Could be nice somewhere without memories." To give them a chance to stop overlaying, so he can sort out where each piece is coming from.

She watches with a thoughtful frown as he starts to do push ups. "You can listen, if you want. Want me to sit on your back while you do that? Can't be much of a work out."

"Sure, no problem," he agrees as he is doing the push ups, she's right, it's not difficult but it's something to keep him moving and try to occupy his mind although he stops for a second to agree.

"Sure, hop on," he says agreeing to both that and the listening. He is honestly, kind of terrified at the idea of actually listening to Steve? Hearing his voice again, it was still haunting him from the fact that he was going to let him kill him. So he does push ups and works out his body, because that's what the Soldier knows what to do.

Natasha bends down and unlaces her boots, stepping out of them as she keeps one eye on his efforts. When he moves into the down, she steps over him, then sits lightly on his back with her legs folded. "Maybe try it with one arm. Not the metal one," she suggests. It's pretty clear he's trying to work something out through exercise.

She pulls her phone out and scrolls through her contacts so she can start setting up coastal France. "You're worried about me calling Steve." The comment is delivered easily, an observation. "Why?"

"Because the last memory I have of him was trying to kill him," he admits without hesitation. His metal arm goes up behind his back and he holds onto her leg with it while he continues his push ups with her on his back. It's a little more challenging but not really, but at least gives him something to concentrate on.

"Just call him though, really it's fine.." he says, clearly wanting it to get over with sooner then later.

Natasha reaches down and runs her fingers affectionately through his hair. "And you know he won't hold it against you. And it takes time to feel like you're worth being forgiven," she hazards a guess. When she feels his hand hold on to her leg, she shifts her weight on his back, letting her fingers trail out of his hair as she leans back. Just to continue to up the challenge factor. "You are worth it."

She navigates her phone over to the contacts. "I'll call him now."

She can say that all she wants, he thinks, because even though she's done horrible things she probably hasn't done them to the people she loved like he has had to. Or if he she has he doesn't have any idea because they're hidden in some deeper files then he has found. Actually, that's probably it, he figures as he tries to stop thinking of such harsh things in his head.

Then she tell shim he is worth it all and it relaxes a bit. "I'm so grateful for you, my dearest Natalia..." he says quietly before she's dialing up Steve so he shuts up.

"You should be, I'm a delight," Natasha quips with a smirk, shifting her weight to one side as she hits the button to dial and brings the phone up to her ear. She'll shift her position a few more times while she's talking. Unless he gives up the push ups, in which case she'll climb off.

"Hey, Steve. Are you somewhere secure? Yeah. I have something to tell you. Just listen. I found Bucky. He's not ready to talk to you yet, but he's safe. Do you remember when you said you would trust me now to save your life? I'd do the same for him." She pauses for an extended moment to listen as he responds, and then says, "I know you do. But you have to be patient. Keep moving like you didn't get this call. I'll make sure he stays safe until we're ready to meet up with you." Another pause. "He is." Another. There's a slight smile evident in her voice when she answers again, "I will. We have more to talk about. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

He continues his pushups for the entire length of the call. It's distracting enough, he would have bet money on that he could have guessed what Steve was saying on the other side before the call started but he only had the slightest of guesses at some parts now, whatever she was amused at, yeah that was clueless. He almost feels bad about it til he remembers just how much stuff he is starting to remember.

He lowers down to the ground to let her climb off after the call. "So what's a fella gotta do to get a recap on that one, babe?"

Natasha sets her feet on the floor and stands up. She pulls her jacket off and drapes it over the back of the chair she'd been sitting in earlier. With a thoughtful look on her face, she folds her arms and looks over at him. After a moment, the corner of her mouth comes up in a little smile. "Nothing. I'm just getting my thoughts in order."

Her thumb taps the side of her phone. "He still feels guilty that he couldn't save you, during the war. I think that's been eating at him for a long time. He wanted to come and talk to you, but he'll be patient. He's starting to put it together that we know each other. My guess is he'll start texting me soon." Her mouth curls in a little smile. "He told me to tell you that you have to stop hogging all the stupid sooner or later."

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Pretend that last one asked about DC and not NYC my brain was mush last night

I gotchu!

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