brushpass | threads

Natasha smiles and lets him keep hold of her hand, running her thumb along the back of it in a slow arc. "Hey, don't give me all the credit. You can understand you too. I know you'll get there." She watches his expression, listening patiently as he works his way through the things that come first to his senses. It's a pretty good start, all things considered.

"It's a different shampoo than the one I used to use." Not something she usually thinks to tell people, but she can't be sure what will be hopeful and what won't in this instance.

His hesitant question is met with a look of fond amusement. "Do you want me to come over and sit on a chair next to you or sit in your lap? You can ask, when there's things you want. It's okay to ask. If it's not something I want to do, I'll let you know and we'll figure out something else."

"Yeah I doubt the Red Room was spending a lot on hair care," he says with a playful smile. "I remember cold quick miserable showers."

"It's hard to ask," he explains thinking about what she's offered and he just nods. "I think maybe in my lap? It's hard to know for sure," But the options are helping him anyways and he suddenly wishes there was a couch in this tiny safehouse. It's not much of one compared to the last two places he'd been saying but.

Hey, this one came with Natalia. He pushes back from the table a little bit dropping Nat's hand so he can make space for her on his lap.

"I know you want me to be able to ask for things.. I'll try, Natalia."

"They spent more for the widows to keep up appearances. But there wasn't any joy in it." Natasha likes taking care of herself now that she can do it for herself. She's found products she likes, a preferred water temperature. There's many times that she has to make do when she's on a mission. But it's one of the many things in her life she was glad to claim for herself.

She smiles at him as she stands up and turns easily, sitting down in his lap with her arm around his shoulders. "I want you to get there in your own time, James. Everything takes practice. Be patient with yourself."

When she sits in his lap and her arms go around his shoulders it’s like unlocking something for him. Not in terms of mind memory but in terms of muscle memory.

His face softens as he leans in to lay his head on her shoulder, his arms go around her waist and he closes his eyes and just relaxes into her in a way he didn’t even know was possible.

“This is what I needed,” he says s softly, “this is the first time I’ve felt safe that I can remember since I started getting my memories back.”

She can literally feel the tension seeping out of him as he leans in to her. She brings her other hand up to run over the back of his head and down to the nape of his neck. Her head tips so she can rest her cheek on top of his head as he leans onto his shoulder. She should've known. Simple is always better.

"I'm glad," she answers, gently kneading the muscles at the nape of his neck with her hand. "I know I was holding back before. It's been so long. I was too focused on not overwhelming you. You'd think I'd know better by now. Guess there's still plenty I've got to learn from you, milii moi." There's a hint of humor in her voice, offering a gentle cushion for what she knows is still a very tangled topic.

"'sokay," he murmurs into her shoulder, face still buried like he wasn't going to move anytime soon. Each touch, of her hands melts the tension off. It isn't going to solve the issue of the mess that they had left his brain, but it was taking the tension from his physical body and right in that moment it was more then enough.

"You did good, Natalia..." he reassures her, he doesn't want her to think that she did anything wrong in what she was doing. Hell, he didn't even know what to ask for, how could she have known that the murder machine that was Bucky Barnes wanted cuddles.

"You always do good," he murmurs, the compliments fall off his tongue naturally like they're supposed to be there. So he lets them.

She doesn't have any complaints. He can stay there for as long as he wants. She keeps rubbing the back of his neck until the tension is gone. Then she lets her hand dip down, running over his back in a slow aimless pattern.

She should've known. He was so touch starved those first few times they found to sneak away. It's probably been years since the last time anyone touched him like this. With that thought, her hand comes up from his back to rest on the back of his head as she pulls him in closer.

"Oh, I'm doing a lot better now than I was before," she answers, all light and easy.

He melts more and more and goes quite for a long time, it’s safe and warm and content and home. No one has ever touched him like this, he hadn’t been let out proper like he had previously since her escaped. He came out of cryostasis only for missions then wen right back in, being wiped after each time.

“Did we used to sit like this?” He asks after a good half hour of silence his hands stroking along her back a little bit as it seems like the mess in his head had finally calmed down.

“What did you mean about bette now?” He adds curiously once it’s had time to stew in his head for a bit.

Natasha doesn't mind the quiet. She idly catalogues the room as she leans in to him, her fingers alternately stroking his hair or rubbing over the back of his shoulders. Her thoughts don't really go anywhere in particular - mostly she just reminisces. His first question is met with an agreeable hum. "Yeah. Sometimes I'd be facing you. Or I'd lean on your back with my arms around you."

His second question requires a moment of thought, since there had been a few layers of meaning behind it. "I still do black ops work for SHIELD occasionally. But it's not every mission. And they're not...the same kind of missions we used to go on. So I'm doing better in that respect. And because I know now that you got free."

“I bet you’re great — I’m jealous you already have a partner,” he adds teasingly, there’s not the hostility of when he’d spoken about Clint before. This time it was just gentle. “I remember thinking you were beautiful when you worked, deadly, efficient, elegant..”

Thinking about the question of her work though puts another thought in his head, however. “Do you think you could stay here for a while? Or do you have work you’ve gotta be getting back to?”

He knows Steve has been following him, that he can’t stay long but he doesn’t know if Natasha has been for long or if it’s just a drop in.

"Lucky for you it's not an exclusive work partnership then," Natasha points out, matching his teasing tone. "I have a team I work with too. And sometimes I do solo missions." As Fury likes to say, she's comfortable with everything. That also includes her willingness to be flexible with who she goes into the field with.

Of course, there is one person she always prefers to go in the field with, but that hasn't been an option for many, many years.

His question is met with an easy shrug. "I've been laying low since I burned all my covers dumping SHIELD's files on the internet." Her eyes skim the interior of the run down apartment again. "I can stay. You sure you want to stay here? I can get access to a safe house."

“Tomorrow we can move, tonight, just wanna hold you in our shitty bed again,” he tells her softly, clearly a bit more of the memories around this place has been sinking in. Or maybe he’d just assumed because she said it was going to be their safe house when they got out together.

He was a little pushy, sure. But for some reason he thought she’d be okay with it. Besides, there wasn’t even a hint of sexuality behind any of his movements or motions, it was clearly just emotional touch and physicality he was looking for.

He pulls his head off her should for the first time to look at her. He wants to take in her expression. “I don’t think they’ll ever be able to clear my name, but I wouldn’t mind being your hideout guy, you know for whenever you find your way to Europe. Just, stay with me a while first,” he adds.

Natasha absolutely doesn't mind the way he phrases it. She can tell there's nothing suggestive behind it, it's pure sentimentality. Which means that there are more stones turning over now that he's let his body relax and his mind slow down a little. "Sounds like some of those choices are coming easier, hmm?" There's a hint of her suppressed smile in her voice. "I'd like that."

When he lifts his head, she meets his eyes, her fingertips moving to brush some hair back from his forehead. She looks thoughtful and maybe a little amused. "Steve Rogers won't rest until your name is cleared." He'd probably go to jail for Bucky if there was any chance in hell the powers that be would allow it. "You can be my hideout guy until then."

It’s like he’s got all these faucets in his brain, blocked by things, just leaking tiny bits at a time. Then Natasha is holding him and it’s like the object holding that stream back has been taken away and he’s being flooded comparatively.

“Steve was always kind of an idiot,” he chuckles and leans in to press a kiss to her cheek. It’s just another sign of affection between them. It’s not that the feelings are platonic but the actions, that’s all they’re ready to be for now.

“Oh, I like it when you call me your guy. I like that a lot,” he tells her reassuringly. “I still don’t wanna make food choices though, just, choices that have to do with my favorite girl, they really called you Winter’s Widow huh?”

It was another stone turned over. This time the rooms nickname for her because he always asked for her on assignments when he needed a second. Insisting she was the best — she was.

"Yeah, but you can't deny that his heart is always in the right place," Natasha answers. "Even when it's inconvenient." Bringing down the tangled mess of HYDRA and SHIELD had been like a speed run on a trust exercise. She's worked with a lot of people over the years and not many of them would make the choices Steve had without flinching or hesitating. It's a nice reminder of why she's still doing this after so many years.

Her mouth quirks to the side and she traces her fingers down along his jaw. "I'm impressed that came up in your memories already. They did, in the Red Room." Her eyes skim his for a moment before she continues. "I haven't told Steve yet. Once I realized that you were his best friend. I figured you deserved to have a say in how that conversation goes, when you're ready for it."

“Oh, he’s got the best heart,” he says watching her eyes he leans into her fingers nodding. “I’m glad you were there with him, to help him — I can’t imagine how hard it was on both of you,” he says and he means it. A hint of guilt maybe sure, but more so happy that the two of them weren’t alone.

“I’m glad you didn’t fall for him though, all the girls, used to fall for him after the serum. It’s like I turned invisible after that when we were together.” It’s another memory that seems to have found its way back at some point or another and he just squeezes her hips. “You could have told him, I never would have been mad at you for it — but god. This is gonna … it’s gonna piss him off, that he didn’t know.”

"First time we fought together I had him launch me off his shield at an alien," Natasha answers, her mouth twitching as she tries not to laugh at the memory. She's pretty sure that cemented their willingness to fight together. But the trust didn't really sink in until they were on the run from HYDRA. "He makes a compelling case. And I really didn't like that I traded the Red Room for HYDRA."

Despite her efforts, she can't help but laugh a little at the idea of falling for Steve. "He's not my type." She lets her fingers curl through his hair again as he squeezes her hips, and shakes her head when he says Steve's going to be pissed off. "He's going to be happy for you, that you weren't alone all that time. He'll be mad at me for not telling him right away. I'll bring him around."

"You've fought aliens?" He asks curiously, because that seems like some pretty big info all things considered honestly. Except then the topic was continuing on and it was easier to get distracted that Steve Rogers was not her type, it made him have the stupidest smile he could imagine in reaction to it honestly.

He sighs at the idea of Steve being mad at her, even though he knows it's not the end of the world and it'll be fine in the end he still doesn't love it. "Maybe I'll just have to glare very strongly at Steve so he knows I don't let anyone bet shitty to my girl," he says tentatively testing out the idea of calling her that.

It felt good though, right, like each step he takes in this direction is giving him more confidence.

"Unfortunately," Natasha answers, her nose wrinkling in a way that makes it very apparent how she feels about the experience. Thankfully, not all aliens seem as hell bent on dominating the earth as Loki does. She makes a mental note to walk him through that whole thing because she's pretty sure he'll get a kick out of it.

The corner of her mouth curls up in a crooked smile and she playfully runs her index finger up the underside of his chin. He certainly seems to be getting comfortable with some of his memories. It's more than she'd hoped for, and she's not going take it for granted. "That's a two way street, you know. If I'm your girl, then you're my guy. And your girl likes to work things out for herself. Steve will come around."

"You already said I can be your hideout guy," he counters playfully and let's his hands finally release from her waist so he can stroke a hand up and down her spine contently, just really relaxing. He wasn't so sure that he was unlocking way more memories, as starting to believe them, believe his mind hadn't absolutely tricked him as he discovered them.

"I'll do my best not to get involved... which will probably end horribly knowing me. I used to have to break up fights Steve was in all the time, don't like my people hurting," he says with a soft sad smile up at her for that.

He wants to tell her about how scary those memories were at first, but it doesn't feel like the time just yet.

It is nice to see him relaxed like this. The way he'd moved during the encounter in DC, just plowing through every obstacle without regard for himself. She'd been able to tell just from the way he moved that they'd been keeping him on ice and wiping him a lot more frequently. She's glad Pierce paid for that.

"I know. He talks about that time really fondly for someone that was being beat up regularly in alleys." Her fingertips trace along his cheek as she returns the smile. "Just be patient. He's entitled to feel however he feels, but I think he trusts me enough now to hear me out about it."

He makes a face at her, it's playful, but one of annoyance. "You're telling me that me, the guy who spent years asleep in a fucking cryochamber is the one that has to be patient?" he asks pouting at her playfully.

He's not really upset, hell, Steve had been frozen asleep way longer then he had all things considered as well. His hand goes up to run through heir hair gently, taking in the feeling of how soft it was as well. God, everything about her was soft, and perfect.

His face falls a little bit as he thinks about Steve, hellicarrier memories slowly coming back as he thought about Steve being beat up in alleys behind bars. "He stopped fighting me, in DC you know that right? Just... stopped."

"At least for a little bit longer, yes," Natasha agrees, her amusement evident in her voice as he pouts at her. She's heard that patience is a virtue, but she's more of the mind that it's an act of sheer willpower. Her head tips into the feel of his fingers in her hair, though her expression sobers as she listens to him.

"He didn't admit it, but I figured as much based on what he wasn't saying." Her hand comes to rest on his chest for a moment. How much is too much? She's still out of her depth here. So much so that she's been wrong more than once. So. Shifting on his lap, she twists her upper half so she can look at him more directly. "You're his best friend. Steve loves you enough to never fight you. And I love you enough to do everything I can to stop you if I have to." It's a strange spectrum, but she's pretty sure the full range of it will be necessary if someone tries to pull him under again.

He nods, he knows both of these things to be true and he leans in to press a kiss to her temple reassuringly. He knows it's a lot for her to say, that she'd do everything she can to stop him from hurting more people. "You know me well enough to know that's exactly what I would want, I don't wanna hurt people anymore 'Tasha. Coming out of that was so fucking scary.."

His voice is somber as he says it but his hand is still petting through her hair fondly trying to keep it a little lighter even has the cross heavy topic after heavy topic.

"There were so many memories of hurting people, that when the first one of you came along -- I thought maybe I hurt you too.. forced you?" he explains a little hesitantly, shyly. Even though he knows it's not the case now, he wants to explain why he'd asked so early if he'd ever hurt her. "If my brain was playing tricks of me."

"I can't even imagine," Natasha answers, looping her arm back around his shoulders so she can rub her hand over his back again as she listens to him. There's something to be said for letting physical contact balance out the weight of a conversation. And she supposes they were always going to have a lot of heavy topics to get through. She doesn't mind. It feels like a miracle that they're able to talk about these things at all.

Her dawning realization reflects on her face when he carefully explains his worry. "Never. But I can see how it's all jumbled. Often the only time we got to be alone was during a mission or after a mission. And we often hurt people on those missions."

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